Penny's Creeper

Leaves!

Picture this:  You and your family are spending a nice little Saturday out at the strip mall.  Sun's out.  Cows are mooing.  You walk into JC Pennys 'cause, you know, fly threads, and there in the women's unmentionables stands a lone man.  He's not shopping, he's not picking out something for his wife, he's just ... there.  Honey, you ask, should we call the manager?  Please don't.  It's only me.

No, this isn't some sort of weird confession, and yes, that was my Saturday afternoon with Dylan and her friend.  They had to have matching outfits for the upcoming talent show and Regina was working, so I got volunteered.

Things started out strong.  The first thing I saw when we walked in was that flannel shirts were 70% off.  I thought I could hide there, in the men's section, until the girls were done, but then they asked me to hold their extra clothes while they tried stuff on.  Pennys, weirdly, puts their dressing rooms in the middle of the women's bras and underwear.  That's where I was camped out, spending what felt like waaaaay too much time trying to act un-pervy and not stare at the chonies.  Mothers held their children a little tighter as they passed.  Fathers looked disapprovingly.  I felt shame.  One lady, who'd seen me exchange shirts for the girls said, "You're a good dad."  I said, "Thanks," but I really wish I'd said, "I don't know them," because I double-down on awkwardness when things get really weird.

These are not pictures from that day.
Snapping photos in the chonie section would've
really raised a few eyebrows.

Really though, probably no one batted an eye at the hillbilly lost in the bras.  And I'm sure I wasn't the first.  As a reward, we treated ourselves to shakes, candy, and the local tattoo parlor.  The latter also doubles as an art gallery, so we perused while the artist was getting a tattoo.  We learned a lot.  And while we didn't celebrate the day with tats, I did get to enjoy the sugared-up giggles of two 5th graders on the ride home.

The lesson?  Pennys has smokin' hot deals on flannel shirts right now.  And that was about it.  But, if I ever have to stand in front of their dressing rooms again, I'm definitely wearing a trench coat and sunglasses, just to do a litmus test on how much awkwardness one store can handle.